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Hi,
There is no doubt that I am lost and totally confused as to what exactly is my "life purpose".
Up until a year and a half ago, I was totally 'dead', other than the uncontrolabe beating of my heart, and my lungs continuing to take in oxygen. Fo...
Wow Tony hits on a major 'struggle' I have recently discovered in myself by expressing how emotions, in his past have been viewed as something to 'overcome', battle with, and struggle through'. I feel this is something that our entire species assu...
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- I don't know what it is I am looking for here. I know I would like to be more clear in whatever it is that is happening in my head. I had never even considered this entire idea of intuition and/or 'empathy' being active within me, until my Managers, and close friends pointed it out to me. Since then, I have explored the idea to a greater extent and discovered the possibility.
I do feel like a "wierdo" and as if I am trying to explain everyone elses life for them, and it is embarrassing when I realize what I am doing. I suppose I would like more control, especially when managing what amount of information is being received and how to clear any negative (that is what I have been receiving all my life)
and bring in a more positive, pro- active approach to matters. I often do what I am doing now, and ramble on about unecessary information and I feel at times as if I am 'manic', and going overboard. Then, I tend to shut down completly, from being ashamed of doing so, and, once again, withold all of the emotions, bottled inside of me, until I explode. My explosions are very extreme and have gotten me in very uncomfortable and/or tight situations. When they happen, it is as if I am standing outside of my body, watching, hearing and frozen, unable to control what it is I am doing. I almost feel as if it is a psychotic break of some sort, and it has such a major effect on those around me on a 24 hour a day basis, in an extremely sensitive job position.
The last explosion was about 2 months ago, and strangely, as bad as it was, and happening three days in a row, concerning matters that really should have not been that big of a deal, afterwards, after retreating in shame, and locking myself away from all contact , except for those who I really can related to best, my 3 canine companions, I began to unwind slowly. I feel there have been some major awakenings within me due to certain circumstances, and for the first time, I have been shown how to give, what I had always assumed was impossible for humans to do, and what I have always preached, about how dogs are the 'masters' of 'Love', because of their totally unconditional approach.
I was forced into a situaton where I had no choice but to offer to someone else, this form and to me, the only form of 'love' by my defintion and understanding. The overwhelming impact of that one offer of unconditonal love onto a person who had really exploited, neglected and dismissed me, in the darkest time of my life, opened a doorway that is impossible to describe, but certainly one that many others can relate to.
I now am in a whirlwind state, and find the ability to focus on one thing at a time, to be impossible. I have never been one to express myself, in a vocal way, like, self talk, and affirmations, and even as a young child and forced to go to church, which to me, made no sense, (no intent to bring conflict or ill feeligs regarding religion here) I just never could understand, and when I asked questions, either no one gave me a reasonable answer, or I was dismissed and advised that I was being "trivial" in my questioning. Of course, that did not reinforce returning to that setting, but at that age, I was forced to do so.
I never was comfortable when my mother would make me say 'prayers' at night, out loud. I felt like a hypocrit (even if I did not even know what a hypocrit was at the time) and it was very hard to 'fake it' just so my mother would leave me, and let me go to sleep.
Now, I am conditioned to resist talking to 'beings' or whatever it is that may be listening, out loud. It makes me feel embarassed, even when there is absolutely no one around. I cannot seem to get a genuine feeling word out of my mouth. It seems almost 'silly' to me, even if I feel that there really may be 'something' there that would hear me.
So, I have rambled enough, and while I started out 'not knowing' what I would "find" here. Perhaps someone else may see a need, and lend a hand.
Kim
- Your Web site or Blog:
- http://www.commitmenttocaring.org
Comment Wall (1 comment)
- At 3:05pm on June 16, 2009,
Lisa said… - Welcome in Love and Light KKJ!
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